I had a wonderfully interesting conversation with a favorite friend this weekend. She’s the kind of person who, when she laughs you can’t help but start laughing. She’s unconventional in the best of ways. When my friend moved back into town she was looking for a new gynecologist. So, instead of asking friends or family, she just looked at pictures on the websites of doctors in town. She was looking for someone who was “not too old but looked like they knew what they were doing.”
I could just imagine her perusing through online images of OBGYNs like an online dating site. Well, she picked a doctor and it turned out pretty well for her. But it got me to thinking, how should you choose a gynecologist or any other doctor? Looks? Personality? Experience? Data? Wait time? Office location?
I don’t know that there is a magical answer for this. First, most physicians are more than adequately trained. They have spent thousands of hours in training to get to this point. Will they be perfect? No, we are human. But finding a doctor is probably a lot like finding a house, a spouse or anything else in life. I remember growing up thinking that God was using His laser beams to find me the one and only exact right person to marry and if I missed out I would never find another. But, I DO think finding Pastor Jason is kind of the meaning of grace. More than I deserve. There probably aren’t any laser beams bringing you a spouse. And there probably isn’t a laser beam directing you to the right physician. But, I think you should look for a few key things when choosing a gynecologist or any other doctor.
- Do you feel free to ask questions to your doctor? You should be able to be open and honest with your physician.
- Does being seen on time matter a lot to you? Often doctors who spend more time answering questions or have a large patient population because of their great care might run behind. You have to ask yourself if it’s worth the wait, so to speak
- Do you have a serious/rare illness? Then it’s probably best to find a specialist who is highly regarding and highly skilled. Do your homework. Ask people with the same diagnosis or illness about who they saw and why. Find out if any doctors you are currently seeing would recommend someone for your specific case.
- Do you have a gender preference? I would say that gender isn’t a huge issue in choosing a doctor. If your provider is a caring physician who expresses empathy then it shouldn’t matter what their gender is. But, if you are only going to be comfortable sharing your full un-edited medical history with a specific gendered physician then maybe you should consider it.
No, there are no laser beams directing you to the perfect doctor for you. If you’re looking for a doctor to magically fix all your ills in one visit you probably won’t find them. If you’re looking for someone to tell you exactly what you want to hear, you might find them but you might not actually be healthier at the end of the road. But I do hope you find a physician who can be more than gracious to you. Who can listen, guide, and care for you. Who you respect and trust. If you are seeing someone who isn’t caring for you in a way you find beneficial, seek another physician out. I don’t want a patient to continue to see me if they don’t want to continue to be my patient. Because while I find it hilarious that my friend found her doc in the same way you would find a date online, I would hate for anyone to be trapped on a bad date with their doctor.
May you find your perfect match.
I took a few days off from work last week. It was a bit overdue. I told my residents that when I wore black pants to work every day for a solid week and didn’t brush my hair any of those days that it was probably symbolic of my attitude and maybe I should take a few days away. No one disagreed with me.
We spent a few days at a retreat at the lake. Some lovely pastors we know invited us and we took the kids. There was a lot of doing not so much. I brought my obsessively large stack of notecards and began to fill my days with scratching out barely legible notes to many of those people that impact me on a daily and weekly basis. I enjoy writing but also enjoy picking out just the right card, putting the stamp on and making sure my address book is up to date. It’s a ritual that puts my heart and mind in a good place. We came home and then I was fortunate enough to spend the weekend with wonderful friends who took the time to celebrate me growing a year older.
I have been reminded this past week what it really means to care for someone. I think we all feel pretty good about caring ABOUT someone but what does it mean to care FOR someone? Pastor Jon and Pastor Jason do it well, especially crisis care. People are sick, people are hurting, people are dying physically or emotionally…they come to their side and care deeply for them in ways that impact not only that person but their family and friends. Crisis care is deeply important. In medicine we often see people in crisis and are able to come and assist in the restoration of healing and wholeness. Crisis care can be very simple for physicians such as prescribing an antibiotic to someone who is sick and hurting or it can be very difficult at times such as performing a surgery on someone very sick or dealing with a worsening chronic illness. But the thing about crisis care is that you are very aware of the person’s needs. You get the page, the phone call, the text. Your mind starts working even before you look to see from whom or from where the noise came. (For Pastor Jason and I when the electronics start beeping at certain hours of the day or night we give each other “the look.”)
What is much more difficult is to care deeply for those NOT in crisis. To create a culture where we practice the art of caring on a regular basis. Why? I think because when we truly care for people we change the world for the better. To care for everyone who walks through the door of my office even if it is the 15th time I have seen them, even if it is a “routine” visit, even if I think I know all that is going on in their life. I heard a beautiful sermon today reminding me what we are capable of when we truly care deeply for others. When we refuse to keep each other at arms length and move close enough to see the worry lines creep in on someones face, to hear the anxious tremor in their voice, to notice the joy in their eyes. To take their hand, to give a hug and know that caring for others deeply will not only change them but it will change us too.
I write notes not only because the task itself brings me great joy but because it makes me carefully think about who I see and interact with on a regular basis. To examine the people around me who are bobbing along with the waves of life and have the opportunity to remind them that they are cared for deeply. I challenge my friends in healthcare to care deeply for their patients and coworkers, despite the struggle just to keep up with the enormous work we are tasked with. I challenge my friends at church and beyond to move away from a life of fear of what others will do or say and move to place where we ask questions, send notes, have coffee and listen. Listen and care deeply for our neighbors, our friends, and even our enemies and our opposites. So the next time you see a someone wearing all their black pants in one week or who has unbrushed hair 5 days in a row, it may not be a crisis, but an opportunity to care deeply for another.
Listen…to…your mother. It’s a phrase I utter about seven thousand times on a Sunday morning. When I can’t seem to get the girls to find their shoes, brush their teeth, get in the car and a multitude of other things on the way to church I emphatically state “listen…to..your mother.” They think it’s hilarious to repeat the phrase over and over to each other and giggle about how crazy I sound.
A dear friend said to me this morning: “Mother’s Day..sometimes it just seems like too much.” And I get that. Mothers feeling overwhelmed at a day to celebrate them, yet unable to escape the responsibilities of the daily routine. Women who wish they were mothers but are unable. Women who mourn the loss of their child or their own mother. Families who need reconciliation on these celebratory days.
So what to write about on this “too much” day. After much thought (kidding…I was napping this afternoon), I thought I would make a list of what your mother would want you to know if she was an OBGYN married to a Pastor.
- Educate your kids about their bodies: My kids remind each other to “wash around your vagina” in the tub. When BK was born, Mc said breastfeeding was “weird.” To which I replied, “yes dear, it’s only the beginning of weird stuff your body does.” Kids who know how their bodies function can express when they are injured, uncomfortable or, God forbid, touched inappropriately.
- Vaccinate your kids against HPV: People, it’s not a conspiracy theory. It’s a vaccine that has the potential to eliminate or nearly eliminate cervical cancer and significantly reduce HPV related diseases. Trust me. I deal with this, literally, every day. Does every vaccine have a small risk of complications? Yes, but significantly less likely than me seeing your kid later in life for an abnormal Pap test or some other problem. Plus, there’s more formaldehyde in pears and bacon than in vaccines. (mic drop).
- Make sure your kid has a trusted adult they can talk to that’s NOT YOU. As parents we think we want or need to know everything that is happening in our kids lives. The reality is that we can’t do much about it. I can tell you everything your kid says to me in the office but then she wouldn’t trust me and she already doesn’t listen to you. What I can do is encourage them to be safe, be healthy, see the consequences of their actions before they happen and be honest with you. So make sure they have a pastor, a doctor, a coach or a mentor you trust.
- Let your kid be honest with you. When they do something dumb and are brave enough to tell you about it be sure to remind them how glad you are they were honest with you amidst the lecture about how disappointed you are.
- And finally, be easy on yourself. I am reminded weekly by Pastor Jon and Pastor Jason that God has already made His mind up about you and the news is good. It’s okay to be stressed, sad or overwhelmed on Mother’s day. Or any day. Forgive others, forgive yourself. Love people more than they deserve and let yourself be loved more than you deserve. And don’t forget to see your Gynecologist and go to Church.